


All This Time (I Was Waiting for You)

by TheExplodingPen



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Getting Together, Ghost Drifting, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Operation Pitfall (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4298751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheExplodingPen/pseuds/TheExplodingPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>There's still that space in his head, the one that he hasn't dared to touch in almost four years, because the last time he did it was like those dreams people have, where they're falling. Just a constant sinking feeling in his stomach and panic and an unsettling sensation of nothingness. And if Yancy's back, he figures there should be something in that space, but he can't make himself check.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	All This Time (I Was Waiting for You)

Raleigh punches Yancy in the face when he sees him again.

He doesn't mean to, not really, but he turns away from a tour of the shatterdome that he's giving and almost runs into the guy, and Yancy's smiling, and he says _kiddo_ like the past five years haven't happened, like Raleigh hasn't spent half a decade with guilt sitting high in his chest because he got his brother killed. And Yancy holds his arms open for a hug, and Raleigh... Raleigh just swings. Yancy's nose is dripping blood when he looks back up, and his brother's not grinning anymore.

Raleigh's punch connected, though, so Yancy's really there. He's really back.

Turning, he wipes his hand on his pants and looks up at Herc, who's looking concerned, and somewhere in Raleigh's head, _he's_ a little concerned, too, but he's pissed, first and foremost. He doesn't look back at Yancy, just rolls his shoulders back and ignores the shocked looks from the tour group and tries not to think about the fact that Yancy would still be there if he were to turn around. 

“I'm taking the rest of the day off,” he says, under his breath, and then walks away.

* * *

It turns out that punching the wall is a lot different than punching someone in the face. It hurts like a bitch and a half, but the pain is grounding and at the moment, Raleigh needs to be a little grounded. He's not entirely sure he's not dreaming, because he's had dreams like this, where Yancy comes back, all sunshine and smiles, and then he wakes up and his brother's not on the top bunk and there's still an empty space in his head. 

And, really, that's what's bothersome. There's still that space in his head, the one that he hasn't dared to touch in almost four years, because the last time he did it was like those dreams people have, where they're falling. Just a constant sinking feeling in his stomach and panic and an unsettling sensation of nothingness. And if Yancy's back, he figures there should be something in that space, but he can't make himself check.

He's sitting on his bed with a bag of ice on one hand, dancing around that corner of his mind, probing at the edges. Nothing feels different, but that doesn't mean anything, necessarily. He's just scared he's going to wake up again with no one in the room with him, and honestly, Raleigh doesn't know how he'd deal with that again.

But he braces himself, because he has to know, and pushes past himself to enter that space. 

_Hates me._

_should have stayed away shouldn't have come back kid doesn't want me anymore doesn't need me doesn't want me fuck_

_can't believe it's been five years can't have been it can't I promised I wouldn't leave him I promised it can't have been five years Raleigh..._

_Raleigh?_

Yancy's voice explodes in his mind, clear as day. It hits Raleigh hard, and he almost jerks out of the ghost drift before he realizes that he's hearing Yancy again and that never happens in dreams. 

Yancy's really back.

Taking a deep breath, Raleigh carefully tunes back in.

_**Yancy?** _

And Yancy's voice, when he responds, is hesitant, like he's unsure if Raleigh's going to stay there, and fuck, Raleigh's going to have some apologizing to do.

_Raleigh hey kiddo how's your hand?_

It makes his chest ache, a little, how so very _Yancy_ that response is. There's something hot and wet on his face, but Raleigh doesn't reach up to brush away the tears.

_**wall hurt more than your face, trust me.** _

_**Sorry about that, by the way. I didn't...** _

All of a sudden, Raleigh's flooded with emotions that aren't his. Forgiveness and comfort, and the sensation of being held and of Yancy telling him that it's okay, that it doesn't matter. Raleigh's the one who's hurt, Yancy's fine, he's okay, he's sorry for staying away so long he _didn't meant to Rals you gotta believe me kiddo they said I was in a coma until you pulled that idiot move in Pitfall I didn't know I'm sorry kid I'm so sorry so fucking sorry I should've been here should've been looking out for you I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..._

_**Where are you, Yancy?** _

Raleigh doesn't get words in return, but a mental picture of LOCCENT and Tendo and that's good enough for him.

_**Stay put please don't move okay I'll be there soon** _

_Not going anywhere Rals I swear not again_

Raleigh scrambles to his feet, and the ice pack falls off his hand onto the floor, but he's out the door a second later. Yancy's _back_. His brother's back, and Raleigh _punched_ him. 

God, he's an awful brother.

* * *

Yancy's sitting in LOCCENT when Raleigh runs in, all but skidding to a halt inside the doorway. He meets Tendo's eyes, and the guy's wearing his _you fucked up now fix it_ expression, and fuck, Raleigh knows. He knows. But he's going to fix it, because Yancy's back and he has to fix it so that his brother will want to stay.

“Hey, Yance,” he says, carefully, and Yancy looks up. Raleigh can see a bruise blossoming across one eye, and his chest twinges with guilt. Yancy doesn't flash the same bright smile at him, either, but the corner of his mouth does turn up a little, and he raises his hand, offering Raleigh a little wave. 

“Hey, kiddo.” Yancy's gaze falls to his hand, and Raleigh tries to hide the obviously bruised knuckles, but he fails. Miserably. Yancy's expression goes soft, and then worried, and then he's on his feet, gently taking Raleigh's hand in two of his own. “Jesus, Rals, you gotta be more careful. You could've broken something.” Carefully, Yancy bends each of his fingers, and his eyes stay trained on Raleigh's face to watch for any signs of pain.

Raleigh knows he didn't break anything, but having Yancy check him over makes something in his chest ache, makes his eyes burn hot and his throat close up. Because he _hit_ his brother, punched him in the face, and Yancy's still so concerned about him.

“Yance,” he breathes, and Yancy's expression draws in a little tighter as one of his hands go to Raleigh's face. And that's the last straw, really, the gentle way that Yancy's touching him, because he doesn't deserve it, any of it.

He reaches out and grabs Yancy's shirt and pulls him in tight, arms sliding around his waist. He buries his face in his brother's neck and squeezes him tight and lets the suspicious warmth behind his eyes cascade down his face. There's a moment where Yancy doesn't do anything, just stands there, and Raleigh's chest _hurts_ , because he knows why Yancy is hesitating, but then his brother's arms come up around him and trap him in close and Raleigh _sobs_.

Faintly, he hears Tendo quietly order LOCCENT to clear out for a bit, but he doesn't care. He's not focused on that. All that matters is the fact that Yancy is warm and solid in front of him and is holding him close and doesn't hate him for punching him and _**Yancy you're back you're back I can't you're back**_.

Yancy's arms tighten around him, and Raleigh just kind of melts into him, letting Yancy hold him up. And Yancy does, holds him close and lets him cry and sends comforting thoughts through the ghost drift. After a few moments, Yancy shifts to sit down and pulls Raleigh into his lap, and Raleigh doesn't offer much resistance, other than to think that he should be the one comforting Yancy, not the other way around. But he doesn't think about that much, because Yancy feels good and warm, and when he tries to move away, his brother just holds him that much closer. 

“Don't even think about it, Rals. Stay, okay?”

Raleigh stays.

He stops crying after a minute or two, but he still doesn't move, just nestles his face comfortably in Yancy's neck and breathes him in. Yancy smells like home, like leather and sweat and oil, and he can comfortably settle in and just sit there, with Yancy's hand in his hair and his scent filling his nose.

After a few more minutes, he sighs, pushing his nose farther into the crook of his brother's neck. “I'm sorry,” he murmurs, and it's quiet, but Yancy hears him or feels him through the ghost drift and shifts, sliding his fingers into Raleigh's hair. “Fuck, I'm so sorry.”

“Shh, Raleigh,” Yancy murmurs, and the younger Becket takes in a shuddering breath against his brother's neck. “Shh, kiddo. It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Just breathe for me, okay? There you go, easy. Just like that.”

Yancy's voice is comforting, and Raleigh feels _safe_ , but he's not thinking about justifications when he turns his head just a hair and presses his mouth to the space behind Yancy's ear. He's not thinking about reasons when Yancy's arms tighten around him and his brother lets out a soft sigh, or when his lips slide off Yancy's skin so he can lay his head back down. He only starts thinking about how to rationalize the fact that he just kissed his brother's neck when Yancy's voice comes through the ghost drift, saying,

_Raleigh?_

Heat floods his face, and the justifications flood in, but when he starts trying to sort through them, he realizes that half of them are from Yancy.

_Doesn't know what he's doing god you're sick he's just a kid he's just upset he's your little brother you can't kiss him back sick fuck -_

“Yancy?” Raleigh says slowly, and his brother's arms tighten around him momentarily before Yancy sighs and releases him, enough that Raleigh can sit up and try to meet his brother's eyes. He's hyper-aware of the fact that he's straddling Yancy's lap, but he doesn't care at the moment, because, 

_**You can't kiss me back?** _

And Yancy won't look at him, won't meet his gaze, and Raleigh can almost taste the shame and disappointment that's radiating off of him. He almost thinks' it's directed at _him_ for a moment, but the instant that thought crosses his mind Yancy's grabbing for his hands, shaking his head, even if he still won't look up.

“No, Raleigh, it's not you. I'm not mad at you, kiddo, I swear.” Yancy pauses, and Raleigh thinks he's done, but as he's opening his mouth to ask about what the hell Yancy's freaking out over so bad, Yancy just... confesses.

“Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You weren't supposed to know, not ever, and it was so fucking hard when we started ghosting because you were always in my head and -”

_And you couldn't know I couldn't tell you couldn't do that to you Raleigh I couldn't_

_couldn't hurt you like that_

_I won't I won't ever I can't you're too important too much too Raleigh fuck I'm sorry I_

“Yancy, hey.” Raleigh leans forward, because his brother's voice has taken on a panicky quality and the last thing either of them needs is to have a panic attack. He pulls Yancy in close again and guides the older man's face into the crook of his neck, despite Yancy's halfhearted protests. “Shh. Hey, it's okay. It's okay. You don't need to be sorry, okay? There's nothing to be sorry for.”

They've completely switched positions in a matter of minutes, going from Raleigh being the one sobbing in his brother's neck to Yancy fisting his hands in Raleigh's shirt and taking shallow, shaky breaths to stop from crying. And Raleigh still doesn't know what's wrong, exactly, because Yancy doesn't seem to have a problem with the fact that Raleigh kissed him. Whatever's wrong is something else, and he's not talking about it.

“Yancy?” he tries again, one hand sliding up into his brother's hair. It's longer than he remembers, which makes sense. A coma, isn't that what Yancy had said? God, they've got so much to talk about.

“Yancy, talk to me.” Raleigh pulls back and cups his brother's face, carefully tilting his head up and searching his hazel eyes. “Please. What's wrong?”

His brother's mouth opens and closes a few times, and Raleigh barely has time to register that Yancy's murmuring another, “I'm sorry,” before he leans in and kisses him.

It's a chaste kiss, soft, just the barest press of Yancy's lips against his own, but Raleigh can still feel his brother shaking underneath him, every muscle in his body bunched up tight. Raleigh wants to lean into it, wants to chase the warmth of his brother's mouth and pull him close and hold him, and then

_not ever gonna want to see me again fuck gonna kick me out and I'll deserve it_

comes across the ghost drift. So Raleigh stops trying to resist and leans into the kiss before Yancy can pull away, fingers sliding up to hold his jaw as he opens his mouth under it. 

Yancy makes a choked sound that sounds a lot like a broken sob, and Raleigh swallows it down, slotting their mouths together and kissing Yancy, hard. There's no finesse, no technique, just his desperation to make sure his brother knows that it's okay, that he doesn't hate him, that this isn't going to ruin them.

After a moment or two, Yancy's hands settle tentatively on his hips, and Raleigh lets out a pleased sound against his mouth. He breaks the kiss after another breath, pressing their foreheads together, but doesn't move away from Yancy, careful not to give him any false indication that he's going to leave. 

“Hey,” he says gently, and Yancy's hands tighten on his hips momentarily.

“Hey,” Yancy answers, his voice rough with unshed tears and raw emotion. His eyes are a little watery, and it breaks Raleigh's heart to see that, because he doesn't know what to do except fall back on what they'd always do for each other when they were kids. 

“I love you,” he says, and Yancy blinks and a few tears fall down his face, but he's still not getting it, Raleigh's sure of it. Reaching up, he brushes the tears away with his thumbs before slowly leaning in, pressing their lips together again. “I love you,” he repeats, when he pulls back. “Always. No matter what. However you want me, Yance, you know I've always been yours. It's always been you and me.”

Yancy's expression goes soft, and he shakes his head. “Kiddo, you don't know half the ways I want you.” And he sounds resigned, like if Raleigh knew the extent of what he wanted, he'd sing another tune.

So Raleigh presses their mouths together again and pushes a memory through the ghost drift that he hasn't accessed since Knifehead.

_They're in their bunks at the Academy in Kodiak and it's cold and Raleigh's achingly hard in his own hand._

_Yancy's across the room with some other recruit, a girl, all blond hair and blue eyes and breasts small enough that Raleigh's not even really sure she needs the bra that's lying on the floor._

_She's riding him, and Raleigh's watching. But he's not watching her, even if his eyes do linger on her chest and her tousled hair for a moment. No, his focus is on Yancy, on the way his hands are gripping her hips, on the muffled sounds he's making as he bucks up into her, on how big his dick had looked in the brief glimpse Raleigh had gotten before bodies and darkness obscured it._

_The girl's gasping out Yancy's name, and she sounds a little wrecked with the pleasure of it all, a little gone, and Raleigh wants that. And maybe a finger or two finds its way back to his ass, and maybe he likes the burn a little too much when he presses one in, dry, and maybe he tries whispering Yancy's name under his breath to see if it feels as good for him._

_And fuck, it does._

_Yancy comes in a condom with a muffled curse on his lips, and Raleigh comes a moment later in his hand, the taste of his brother's name still in his mouth._

_He hopes they'll be drift compatible, because he hates the idea of someone else getting to be that close with his brother._

_And at the same time, he hopes they aren't, because he's sure that if Yancy sees this, he'll never want to be around him again._

They're both breathing hard by the time they jerk out of ghosting, and Raleigh's body is a traitor, because he's half hard in his pants and _this is not the time_. But Yancy either doesn't mind or doesn't notice, because he's still got a death grip on Raleigh's sides and he's looking at him in shock, eyes wide, tears gone.

“You...” he begins, but Raleigh's not quite done.

“The first time I jerked off thinking about you, I was fifteen.”

Yancy's eyes go wider, if possible, and his mouth is open a little, lips parted. And Raleigh can't help notice that his breath is coming a little faster, too, and that his pupils are just a tad more dilated. It's not a reaction he expected, but Yancy's not upset, so he'll go with it.

“You got drunk with Tendo once and you both measured your dicks and I spent the next month working up to a plug that size in the shower because you were fucking _huge_ and I wanted to know what it felt like. What you would feel like.” He blushing, he knows, he can feel it up in his ears and down his neck but he's going, now, and he can't stop. He doesn't particularly want to, either. “And then I went and paid someone enough money to fuck me with a strap-on and keep it quiet.”

Yancy makes a sound that's a lot like a whine and presses his fingers hard enough into Raleigh's skin that Raleigh's pretty sure there's going to be finger-shaped bruises there. He's okay with that, though, because he remembers the time Yancy landed a lucky shot on him while they were fighting in the Kwoon, and pressing on the bruise for weeks because his brother had spent so much time touching it and worrying over him.

Yancy still isn't saying anything, so Raleigh takes a deep breath. “You're right,” he says. “I don't know half the ways you want me. But fuck, Yance, I want to. I want to know all of them. So if you don't want to do this because it's just a fantasy or, or I don't know, you're just happy to see me or something got fucked up in your head because you were out for so long, then okay, we won't, and I won't mention it ever again, but -”

Raleigh cuts off as Yancy pushes a memory at him.

_Their first drift went to shit and Yancy knows it's his fault._

_The kid had given his all and he'd been the one holding them back, too terrified of what's in his head to open it up all the way. Because he knows, he knows that if Raleigh catches even a glimpse of it, he'll never see the kid again. And it's selfish, he knows that, but he can't deal with losing his brother._

_But right now, though, Raleigh's out of it, dizzy and nauseated and clingy. Yancy is too, has to swallow back bile every time he turns his head too fast, but he can deal. Raleigh needs to be taken care of, because it's not his fault. So Yancy has an arm wrapped tight around his shoulders as they walk back to their room, holding the kid up, making sure he doesn't turn down a wrong hallway or run into a wall._

_They get back to their room by some miracle and Yancy helps Raleigh into bed and is about to crash into his own when the kid grabs his sleeve with a whine and says, “Yance, stay? Please? I don't...”_

_And Yancy knows, he gets it. They'd been warned about this, about the hangovers, about not wanting to be more than a few feet away from each other. So he toes off his shoes and crawls in next to the kid and wraps him up in his arms and falls asleep to the smell of Raleigh's hair and the feel of his little brother's body all pressed up against his own and the guilt sitting high in his chest from enjoying it all so much more than he should._

There are tears on Yancy's face again, but Raleigh's hands are shaking too much to wipe them away. He remembers that, remembers the drift fucking them up and thinking that they weren't ever going to be pilots, and that it was his fault, and training so hard after that to make sure that it didn't happen again. And he remembers going back in for a second run and getting the second highest percentage recorded. But the memory of that night, of feeling so sick and having Yancy wrapped around him like a protective blanket, it's enough to give him the jitters again.

“We're both stupid,” he says, and his voice isn't nearly as strong as he'd like it to be. “God, we're both so stupid.” His shaky hands drop to Yancy's shirt to smooth over his chest and settle over his heart so he can feel it beating, assure himself that this is real, that Yancy's here and they're sharing and neither of them is running away.

“The Becket boys were pretty faces, kid, not emotional geniuses.” And Yancy's voice is a little soft, too, and little ragged, but the corner of his mouth is turning up into a bit of a smile, so Raleigh lets his do the same. “Christ, kid. I... I don't know what to say.”

“Say you'll stay?” Raleigh asks, before he can stop himself, and Yancy's hands immediately slide up his back and pull him in close, until he's pressed up against his brother's chest. 

“Of course I'll stay. Not going anywhere, Rals, no one could make me. My whole world's right here.”

Something in Raleigh settles at that, and he hums, closing his eyes.

Yancy's back. Maybe later, they'll talk about exactly how that happened, what Yancy remembers, what he wants to do now, but for right now, Raleigh's content with putting his head over his brother's heart and not moving for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

Later, Raleigh's phone buzzes with a message.

_Mako owes me fifty bucks if you broke and kissed him first. -TC_  
_Also, I want LOCCENT back. I have actual real work to do you know. -TC  
And I swear to god if there's jizz on my chair, you two are buying a replacement._ -TC 

Raleigh snorts under his breath, dragging Yancy to his feet before replying.

_You're buying beer tonight, then. -RB_


End file.
